Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Aimless Rant

No one wants to hear a 7-months-pregnant woman rant about...well anything...but we all have a need to divulge--or perniciously expel--our inner-most frustrations, annoyances, and heart-felt omg's. So stop here if you're already not in the mood, but from here on out, I'm whining about my experiences of the past 5 days:
-I'm under the impression that 2/3 of the world's hepatitis is festering in rest stop toilets. 
-Why when I ask for an "Iced Chocolate" do I get without question an "Ice Coffee?"
-I can't quite understand why people enjoy watching me eat. Do they think it's cute that I'm taking care of my unborn child? Are they waiting to judge me for eating a Reese's? Or are they expecting some sort of freak show where I eat everything in site? 
-Obviously I'm biased and think that the east coast is the greatest place on earth, but when a waiter finds out I know where Cherry Hill, NJ is because--oh-my-gosh-no-way--he's from there, I don't care to talk about everything you love about it. Just bring me my *@$# food. 
-Why would I want a 2 bedroom, 2 bath apartment where the second bathroom is in the baby's room? So Jude can start out his life with his very own stand-up shower? 
-Leggings are not pants. Especially when you're not athletic. 
-How hard is it to include water, sewage, and garbage in the rent to close a deal? "Oh, you want to sign a year lease paying way more than you really need to for one of our shoeboxes, but won't do it if we don't pay those, even though every other apartment complex is? Ummm, no, $40/month just isn't worth it." Jerks. 
-Why is there 1 Dunkin Donuts in the Northwest? 
-Hey drivers: Stop cutting me off. I don't care if you're late for a Tree People's meeting. 
-If something I'm charged a daily rate to rent is returned 3 days early, I expect to be refunded those 3 days. Understand?
-How much ice cream is too much? A heaping bowl a day? What if it's low-fat? 
-I just got my OK to schedule a time and place to take the NCLEX. Eff. 
-Why don't they design beds specifically so that pregnant women can sleep at night too? I mean, most people are pregnant at some point during the use of their mattresses. We can't all be skinny our entire lives. I would assume it would work the same way for men with potbellies. 
-Ikea's having a sale and I don't have a place to live.
-Thanks but no thanks Portland pizza. 
-Please don't lie to me and tell me I look fabulous when my face is red, my butt and ankles are swollen, and I'm scarfing down a piece of cake the size of a small child. 
-Out of all the changes going on with my body right now, why did my eyebrows decide to get involved? Who gets frizzy eyebrows? 
-"This too shall pass" better not be just empty words of comfort to calm the desperate. 
-Why am I constantly running out of clean underwear? Who the heck is wearing my underwear?

Hah that felt good. 


Joanna and Eric said...

hahahahahahahahahaha bahaha. I miss you.

manders said...

Brit you are hilarious I loved this post so many things that are so true. I agree after eating pizza in NYC its hard to eat any others, and the apt thing yah its tough not many come with those things. Hope you find a place soon oh and also you do look fantastic so don't think any different. Miss you see you soon SIL...

Jessica said...

Hilarious.Also to add to the complaint list: Why is internet freaking $60 a month?...shouldn't the prices have gone down when every single family in the US signed up in 1999?

Hey-if all else fails-you can live in our apartment complex...not super nice, but cheap, short contracts, and only an electric and internet bill.

Natalie Daniel said...

you're ridiculous. I didn't see a swollen thing on you when you left, only a baby belly. Just come back. Oh and the only place that I've ever lived that included utilities is here, in Rexburg. I hate to tell you, but you might not win that one, unless you're in the ghetto.:(

ailinh harris said...

You kill me. You make a cute angry preggo.

amber lee said...

I love this. :)

Melinda said...

Haha all very good stuff. If nothing else you just made my day, good job.

Candi said...

Oh Britney you make me laugh! I only have two comments:
A. I sure hope you have a body pillow or something. It saved my life through 3 pregnancies.
B. I totally understand you on the eyebrow dilemma! Get this, my hair changed color and texture on my first pregnancy, I tried highlighting my hair on my second and it came out orange on my second pregnancy. By my third I just gave up. Everything was darker, fuzzier and thicker. Oh I bet you can't wait until your hair starts falling out in clumps after the baby is born!!! Don't be alarmed, its just all the hair you didn't shed during this pregnancy time. I totally freaked the first time. Thought I was gonna be hairless within a week! hehe